I'm a mess, But at least it's a hot mess...
Posted on Wednesday 17 April 2019 @ 23:48 by Commander Caroline Miller
Edited on on Thursday 18 April 2019 @ 00:04
Mission:
The New Collective
Location: Caroline's office
3555 words - 7.1 OF Standard Post Measure
A Marine escorted Stephanie to the councilor's office. He opened the door, admitted Stephanie and stood at attention next to it.
When Stephanie entered she rolled her eyes at the Marine, then grimaced at Caroline. "Was th' armed escort truly necessary?" She glanced back at the marine who was still standing in the open doorway looking into the room, rubbing her wrists. She more collapsed than sat in an armchair. "I could hear 'em whisperin' 'bout me while th' Private there cuffed me and frog-marched me through th' halls. On yer orders, I'd wager... I mean if I can' be spared th' indignity, why na put on a show? Toss me in a straight jacket an' strap me t' a dolly. That'll make 'em talk when th' Marine wheels me past."
Caroline had been knee deep in work and had actually forgotten she had the disgruntled CEO for her first official counselling session today.
She processed what had just been hurled her way. "Ok, first of all you wagered wrong as I'm nothing to do with you having an escort. Private I know you have your orders but you can wait outside," she informed the solider.
"Are you sure Ma am?"
"Yes. I'm no danger and if I were I'm pretty handy with a Klingon sword now and I have also survived this woman's Karaoke," she smiled at him.
He nodded and vacated the door leaving them both in her office, O'Hara having of course just sat down without even being offered a chair. "So, it bothers you being seen in the corridor with an escort?" she stated. "Lets talk about that first shall we."
"What bothers me," Stephanie began in a surprisingly even tone. "Is bein' made spectacle of in such a manor." She crossed her arms over her stomach and sat. "If I'm t' be a spectacle, I'll be one on m' own terms."
Caroline nodded, getting up and pulling one of the PADDs on her desk with her. She took the chair opposite O'Hara. "Thats a big part of .... well your psyche though that you keep bumping up against. You want everything on your own terms which doesn't always work when your job is within a chain of command. Then, sometimes if you get your way, you end up in difficulty," she shrugged.
"But why do you assume the reason for it is to make a spectacle of you? And not because whoever took that decision wants to ensure your safety and your recovery after the events that just transpired?" she asked. "And why do you immedietly assume I'm the person responsible. I bent over backwards to get you out of sickbay for a bit so you could blow off some steam and didn't feel the need to have you cuffed and frogmarched then. Why would I deem that necessary now?"
Stephanie was feeling a little attacked so very loudly blurted out the first thing that came to her mind, which happened to be the God's honest truth. "I don' bloody well know! I need someone t' be mad at an' you're th' only person here!" A split second after these words left her mouth she realized what she had said and how absolutely ridiculous it sounded when it was uttered aloud. She shrunk down in the chair and suddenly became very still and quiet.
Carolines eyes opened wide as she realised the woman in front of her had actually given an honest, genuine answer. "Okay, do you feel better for it?" she asked.
"Of course not," Stephanie grouched.
"Why do you think you need to be mad at someone?" the blond asked gently.
Stephanie straitened up in the chair and adopted an air of righteous indignation at the question. "Look," She began. "I know I know I fecked up, an' it was monumental... But I've cooperated with everythin' that's been asked o' me since without question or complaint. I don' think it'd be too far beyond th' pale t' let me have what few tattered shreds o' m' dignity I c'n still salvage..." She grimaced and sank slowly back down. "I don' think it's a big ask."
"How have you cooperated?" Caroline asked. "All everyone can see if you having a great "big woah me pity party". Its been a fight to get you to do anything," she told her honestly. "And dignity, you have some strange notions on that seen as you decided to pretty much give me a really uncomfortable lap dance in the holodec for deeming to try help you. You didn't seem to care about my dignity.
If you want to salvage and have dignity start proving yourself by stopping wallowing. Its getting old now Stephanie. Either you want to be in Starfleet - in which accept that you made the mistake, dust yourself off and move forward in a positive manner. Stop bleating on about someone making an order to have you accompanied in the ship by marines and lashing out at others because you in that situation. Instead prove that you don't require it then you won't be in that situation anymore."
"Ye'll forgive me if I fail to see how bindin' my wrists and sloggin' me through th' ship like I'm on m' way t' th' gallows constitutes 'f'r m' own good'," Stephanie frowned. "An' I have cooperated. I've made no attempts t' escape, nor have I damaged anathin' or anaone. I've not been askin' t' get let out... and I'm here." She gestured expansively to the office. "Reportin' as ordered." She tossed off a mock salute. As an afterthought, she jerked a thumb back toward the door to indicate the marine who had brought her. "An' I didn' break his nose before he tried t' cuff me."
"As f'r th' Karaoke, I was assumin' it was all in good fun. That was th' point o' it, was it na? Na harm, Na foul. If ye hadn't enjoyed th' performance, ye'd have have stopped it. That little routine got me out of a nightclub on New Sydney once. Some very bad people were chasing me. Besides... ye're th' one that upped th' ante." She half smiled. In her mind she had her over the barrel on this one.
Caroline regarded her for a moment her face calm and controlled. "Okay first of all, as already stated I did not order the guard or the escort. No attempts to escape or damage anything. You almost killed yourself. Not breaking a marines nose for doing his job, thats I think in the description of behaviour becoming of a Starfleet officer not forgetting that the marine would probably had you on the floor in a joint lock before you could get anywhere near his nose and he has about 100lb on you.
"Agree T' Disagree. I may na be big, but I'm scrappy." Stephanie interjected.
"Your here because the Captain ordered you to come for therapy and I'm the one person blocking you going back to work. Well if you actually give a crap and want to return to work, so quit it with the mock salutes and start taking this seriously. And also yes the holodec was meant to be for you to let off some steam but as usual you took it too far. As for stopping it, you obviously needed to get it out of your system but next time have some restraint and respect for my personal space. And as for claiming I upped the ante, we ain't playing poker here Stephanie and excuse the pun but quit it with the games too.
Instead of fighting me and well … lets face it fighting everyone just decide. Where do you want your life to go now? Because then we can figure out how to get you there,"
Stephaine's figurative cork popped. "I want to stop hurtin'!" She blurted out... And everything that propelled that cork gushed out behind it in a voice that was a mixture of sadness and despair. "I wanna wake up in th' mornin' an' see a woman in th' mirror who isn' haunted by th' apparitions of an estranged family an' a dead lover! I wanna see a woman who didn't almost destroy a starship with a thousand people on! I wanna see a woman who's na continuously cuttin' of her nose t' spite her face! I wanna see someone who has a future!" She was crying very angry tears near the and when she was done with her tirade, she collapsed back into the the chair and spoke quietly as she wiped the tears away with the heel of her palm. "I can' see any o' those. I don' think I can. I don' think anaone else can either. I'm gonna live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse."
"Not on my watch," Caroline said simply. "Finally. This is good Stephanie. I mean despite you deciding to already create barriers in your mind that you can't do it, there are things you actually want. Are you willing to put in some work now?"
"Have I a choice? M' alternative is a torpedo casin'." Stephanie frowned. "If ya don' mind me askin, How d' ya plan t' accomplish this? D' ya have some sort of alien device that'll suck the memories outta my head? Is there some magic meditation technique or Bolian yoga? I have been livin' with this pain every day o' my life f'r 10 years. It's like a companion to me. I set an extra place for it at dinner. How are you gonna make it go away?"
"Honestly," Caroline said softly. "I can't do that. Your never going to forget. One day thought you might forgive and allow yourself to live properly again. All I can do is try help you find a better way to cope. If your willing to try. Are you ready to talk about ….. is it Sarah?" she asked carefully. Fully aware the engineer could likely blow up again. But she sure as hell needed to talk about it.
"Does it have t' be jus' one thing?" Stephanie asked as she stared up at a section of wall two feet over Caroline's head. "It's na. It's everythin'. All o' th' jagged peices o' m' life have all come together t' form a great an' glorious hole. There's neva enough booze or work or music or programmin'..." She trailed off. After a deep breath through her nose, she continued. "... Or anythin'."
"No it doesn't have to be just one thing. We can talk about whatever you need too to get you where you want to be," Caroline replied. "Look the thing about holes is, eventually you hit the bottom. Then theres only one way back. And theres never enough of what you need as there the distractions to not have to deal with the rest. Fun distractions sometimes I'll give you but they don't usually work out long term."
"Are ya at all familar wit' the tale o' how I joined Starfleet?" Stephanie asked. "I'd imagine not. Shall I regale ya with th' Cliff's Notes version?"
"Whatever you feel best and most comfortable," Caroline nodded. She hadn't really had a lot of time to read into everyone's files. It barely felt like she had stopped since landing on the ship.
"Th' Orion Syndicate was after me. I stole a lot o' latinum from them an' they were na happy in the least. I used th' money t' get my parents an' my brother off New Sydney so th' syndicate couldn't hurt 'em. I didn't even ask where they were goin'. I didn' wanna know so the Syndicate couldn' get it outta me if they ever caught up. Sarah refused t' leave without me. We went back t' her place an' she packed a bag, then we went t' my place... But it turns out th' Syndicate was waitin' there for us... They killed Sarah in front o' me. I would have been next if I didn' know Da had a disruptor tucked unda th' bar. That was th' first an' only person I've ever shot an' killed, but he was far from my first victim. I went t' th' only place tha' I knew would be able t' protect me from th' Syndicate... Starfleet.
I saw m' mother th' day I graduated th' Academy. 'Twas under th' guise o' tellin' me she was proud o' me. Apparently I was jus' in f'r th' latest installment o' th' Gospel accordin' t' Daffy. She jus' wanted t' take pot shots at me f'r; as she put it: 'Throwin' yer own flesh an' blood t' th' four winds while ya head off inta space t' run away from everythin'.'
I let loose on th' woman tha' brought me inta this world. I've na been so savage t' another human soul in m' entire life. I had let loose tha' special kind o' "angry at th' world hatred" tha' only Teenagers are capable of. I said things t' that woman t'would have made Satan himself blush. Then I told her tha' she should get down on her hands an' knees an' worship th' very ground I walk on because she was still alive t' tell me how I ruined her life, then I tossed a drink in her face an' stormed out before I ever learned wha' became o' Daddy an' Liam."
Once again it was a fast tirade that coupled with the accent Caroline was rapidly trying to make sense of. She was however glad O'Hara was opening up. This was major progress. She needed to get this all correct in her head before they could start dealing with everything.
"Okay so we have multiple issues. Family - You put everything on the line to save your family and your mother showed no gratitude. That was the last time you saw her? Have you had any further news via any other channels? And you don't know where your father and ….. brother?" she guessed are. "Is that something you would like to do? Try find and reconnect with them again?"
"Aye. Th' O'Hara clan is somethin' o' a dysfunctional lot." She didn't even think about it. "I jus' wanna know they're okay. I don' wanna know where they are or what they're doin'. I wanna know my whore o' a mother didn't kill daddy in his sleep, rob him blind an' run off with th' pool boy or somethin'. I've no idea where they are or what they're callin' themselves now. I knew a guy named 'Targbreath' on New Sydney. Very apt moniker, too... But he could forge IDs with the style an precision o' a master craftsman. 'Twas a thing o' beauty t' watch him work. Paid him extra for th' rush job an' he showed up at th' spaceport with them. I never saw them."
"Your lover - Sarah you tragically lost in this situation and we definitely need to try help with that grief as the existence of that programme, Stephanie thats obviously very raw and something you have been carrying around for a long time. But saying that you need some closure and well perhaps that programme you created could be beneficial in helping with that," she added making a note on her PADD.
"That was jus' shameless self-indulgence. I wanted t' look at her again. I wanted t' remember. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it doesn't."
"Lets just rewind back, why did you steal the latinum in the first place? And how did you first get involved with the syndicate?
"Unda th' UCMJ and Federation laws pertainin' t' self-incrimination, I decline t' answer that question."
Caroline almost snorted it wasn't like she knew anyone in the Orion syndicate and was going to dob her in and put her in any danger. Hell if she wanted O'Hara in danger she could just give up on her completely and let her carry on with her path of destruction. If it wasn't in ethical and actually was within her character to do something like that, it would be sorely tempting as lets face it life would be so much easier with this woman out of her hair.
"No surprises there then. Oh well understanding your background properly would have helped immensely," she said simply.
Stephanie looked down at the floor. "I was a hacker. A criminal. I went by th' alias 'WarpDiva'. I dived computer systems t' data mine for the Syndicate. At 13 years old, they found me tryin' t' break their encryption codes... An' I did it, too. When they caught up t' me they put this thing in my neck. At th' time I thought it was fun... I was far enough removed from the consequences of my actions that I never gave a second thought. I never saw th' people I hurt. And I was bein' paid well. When ya give a teenager that kinda money, good sense goes out th' window. In the course o' th' work, I accidentally decrypted th' personal database o' th' head o' th' Syndicate on New Sydney, an' it had enough dirt t' put him away foreva. That's why I ran. If he knew I had it, I wouldn't have been safe. The fun thing was that it also had account numbers an' access codes t' all th' Syndicate's holdin's. I used them t' funnel money inta a dummy account that I withdrew t' hard currency t' minimize th' data trail. So to add insult to injury, not only did I steal their data, I stole their money too.
When I got t' Earth, I walked inta Starfleet Comand, dropped the isolinear chip on th' desk and told them what was on it. I told them they would get th' codes to decrypt it when it was guaranteed in writin' that they could have all th' data I could provide in exchange f'r amnesty fr'm prosecution."
"Well I would say that was a smart move," Caroline said trying to get her head round things. "You were young, you did something silly in your youth, you got in too deep and you managed to get out. Unfortunately they caught up with you and things ended in a horrific way. You cannot change the past Stephanie, you have to accept that to be able to move forward."
"I didn' do it because it was right, Councilor. I didn' even do it because it was smart. I did it because I wanted revenge. Bokar took away the only thin' in this life that I ever truly loved, an' I wanted to hurt him. Jus' killin' him wasn' enough. I needed t' burn him. I wanted t' see him in a place where all his money an' influence didn't matter f'r squat. I wanted t' see him cowed, scared, beggin'... Jus' like Sarah was at th' end. I wanted t' visit upon him the sufferin' tha' he gave t' me. I want him t' spend his days alone, in despair, wallowin' in misery because he know he'll neva get back what he lost an' he knows it was all his fault.
An' that never happened. They signed my deal, took my data and never did a bloody thin' with it."
"Do you think perhaps thats why you push back at every Starfleet rule going?" Caroline suggested. "Because your pissed off they didn't indulge your revenge plan?"
"I am pissed. I'm only in Starfleet because I ran outta options. I needed someone who was gonna protect me from th' Syndicate, an' I couldn't think of an organization better equipped t' do it." Stephanie said. "An Engineer is what I am, Na what I do. Without th' uniform, I'm still an Engineer."
"Our hour is up Stephanie but I am formulating a plan. First of all your holoprogramme, your going to say good bye to Sarah. You need to do it or your never going to move forward. Don't tell me again you have only used it a couple of times thats irrelevant. You need to close that down now after making peace with her. If thats ask her forgiveness or something else, you need to have that conversation.
Then we are going work on your apparent anger issues. We are going to explore to try find a way for you to let go. You poked a beast, it bit you back and your still plotting to try swipe again. Its doing you no good. And if you did manage to poke the beast again think what the retaliation would be a second time. You need to let that anger go now and close that chapter of your life.
Intermingled with the anger stuff is your attitude in general as a Starfleet officer. I understand a little now, but it can't continue, so we are going on "communication" and "better integration." I don't want arguments. The Captains ordered you to therapy. This is the therapy. I'm going to set up weekly sessions. The next one will be at the holodec."
●○ LTJG Stephanie O'Hara
Chief Engineer,
USS Merlin
Commander Counselor Miller
Chief counselor
USS Merlin
