Internal Musings

Posted on Tuesday 10 December 2019 @ 12:54 by Lieutenant Commander Hayley Godding

688 words; about a 3 minute read

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Personal Log; Lieutenant JG Hayley Godding

Well, I'm on Risa, and true to my usual form, I've managed to land myself into a situation.

I thought I'd finally gotten to get some rest and relaxation by coming to the one place in the galaxy that you're guarenteed to have a good time. Things were going great until I heard that scream...

Damn that Ferengi scumbag! Why did he have to be such a moron? Honestly! Learn to understand that 'No' means 'No!'

Whilst I know it is wrong to feel such feelings, I have a grim feeling of satisfaction of having beaten him up. A female putting him in his place will sorely sting far more than the whack to his lobe or the flip onto the ground ever will. Still, it is wrong to take pleasure in another beings suffering, regardless of the justification. I fear I have further to go along my path before I have achieved my zen.

The main thing I'm focusing on tonight though is Sansa Jones, my new CO's daughter. She was the girl I saved from the Ferengi, and whilst I do not regret for even a nanosecond doing so, why did it have to be her? Add to that, I have internal conflict about her.

I wonder if my loneliness is causing me to see things in places that they aren't really there. Ever since Juliet, I've been alone... I know I've done it to myself, I've kept my guard up, my defences in place, never letting people get close to me, so that I can't be hurt. But how did Sansa of all people manage to get past my defences?! I actually find myself liking her. I mean, how can you not? She's so sweet, so innocent, so friendly. You just feel compelled to reach out and hold her, to keep her safe from the universe...

What am I saying?! She's the Captain's Daughter for peats sake!

Besides, in what context do I like Sansa? Do I like her or do I like her?! I'm so conflicted and confused. I honestly thought of her as just a sweet young girl who I could perhaps befriend, but that hug... I felt something I haven't felt... haven't allowed myself to feel since Juliet... How did she get that close? Do I like her in that way or is it just the loneliness?

Okay, sure, she's a really nice girl, pretty to boot. She definately inherited her mother's looks. But she's only eighteen, and more's to the point, she's technically only had four years of existence thanks to some weird sciencey stuff I don't understand. But for all intents and purposes, she's an eighteen year old woman who is finding herself after accelerated growth. She probably has little idea what it is she wants, and I'm eight years older than she is and one of her mother's officers to boot. Does she feel for me what I fear I feel for her? Does she understand what she feels? Do I?

No.

I am the responsible one here.

I owe it to Sansa to be that person.

She needs a friend, someone she can be with without consequence. I think Sansa needs that kind of person in her life, and I think I need someone like Sansa to remind me I don't need to be so guarded.

Maybe this walk tomorrow will be good for the both of us. I need to learn to let people into my life again and I'll start with Sansa. I think we could be good friends, although I think I'm going to have to work on getting Lieutenant Draxx to trust me. I don't think I made a good impression on him tonight. Still, I owed it to Sansa to keep her secret. She never asked me to, but I want her to see me as her friend, and someone she can trust. I hope I made that impression on her tonight, even if it means her Dad doesn't trust me.

One challenge at a time.

Computer - end log.

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