A different Nightmare - Why? Drunk? Other?

Posted on Tuesday 18 October 2016 @ 00:39 by Commander Save'ena (Sav) Tillatix

1,397 words; about a 7 minute read

ON:

Lieutenant Save'ena Amilia Tillatix
CAG - USS Merlin
MD9

===== Direct Access Initiation Mode Time Stamp 0615 Hours ====

I really don't know why I am doing this. I hate personal logs as I have to lie through them. The Counselor Psychic Overlays, yeah, overlays, as in, more than one, I know that, now, they won't let me do otherwise. There is only one way to say something meaningful and not be a lie.. and it could get me caught out in what I can do. But, after last night, and Brenda, and Wolf, and yesterday with Melody and Wolf, I had to get this out of my head.

Something changed in my nightmares last night. I... I don't remember much of them, and lately my mind has been trying to totally forget each time, to keep them at bay. Normally nightmares are supposed to get better as time elapses, but after six years, mine stayed the same, even got worse as I have been fighting what I am to say versus what reality is. Always before, my nightmares were either about the stay in Micheal Andrew Thompson's Sex Trade Training Dungeons below his estate with his consort Mistress Elizabeth Tearnath or that final afternoon when they hoisted me up into the bondage sling for that SOB Councilman Diostros Eurytlus with his enhancements to impale me and dice my guts up to kill me, taking my virginity and life in one fell swoop with added insult to injury of my blood spurting over us upon each slam from a tube inserted into my femoral artery and tied at my ear. The nightmares would fade under Mistress Elizabeths care or as I went unconscious by Diostros with my insides dripping out below me. But this time, this time... they were different.

I remember snatches, where instead of just the Fed Counselor Overlay forcing me to always lie about Micheal and Diostros and what happened, there were five of them, all working towards making the fake memory of the shipyard to replace the several months in the dungeon, while there was another me, that was not me, repairing the dungeon and trying to force me to become the 'Uniqueria' Micheal and Elizabeth were trying to imprint upon me. I fought that, always, and I do not know how that is there, except, whatever force inside of that persona, I scratched... I remember that clearly, I scratched it, and glad I did.

Sigh, this change came after a first of changes. Earlier in the day I ran into the counseling offices, creating issues, then found out Wolf, my second in command for my first Dragon's foray, was now also a Counselor. I... had to fight off the Overlay within me, then we retired to my quarters with Melody. Wolf said something I had never heard before, thanking me for accepting my fault for everything surrounding the fake accident. I have always fought that, it is NOT true, and here was Wolf, forcing me to accept the fault, the fake stories of the overlays. and.. and.. and I blacked out. I... I... never have blacked out before, not like that from that. I'm... scared.

I came too, only to find myself standing up from having been sitting, Melody having disappeared on an errand, and Wolf being at attention with a dangerous air about him. Time had passed, but, I have nothing to go by. Why? What happened? I am so afraid for them, I have climbing claws, they don't. So afraid for them, and I am scared. Scared for myself, and what this could mean.

At least two good things happened plus an interesting one. I got promoted to Lieutenant, and I met a Crewman Terran Female who is fun to be around and doesn't mind that I am an officer. I mean, for this day. Melody and I have a growing friendship, starting from the day before. I am glad I have Melody as a close friend. But, right now, she is under some sort of training, and I have no one, well, had no one for just a friend, that is, until today. Brenda and I celebrated my promotion together, along with David Tan and his wife Lana, and I got drunk for the first time ever. Ever. Of course, I did all the things I have done for others to help with the hangover the next day. And, fortunately, I don't have one, yes, I am tired, but, I am always tired. I don't think I have ever got a full nights rest over the last six years. I... I... am getting exhausted, so tired, hard to keep fighting.

So, that brings me to why I am immersed writing this log. There was the morning with Wolf and Melody, thank the Creator I had not harmed them, the Promotion, the drunk, and then the new, changed nightmare. What had done it? Which event? Is it a sign for the better, or are the overlay's winning? I now know there are five? Six? Does the imprint count as an overlay? I don't have a clue, I am not a psychic counselor or psionicist in studying my psi abilities. I can use my mind tentacles, have my telepathic compartments, thank the Creator for that as those have saved me as I keep shoving the overlays, and now imprint, into there. Stay, dammit, Stay. And of course my spatial sense and flying with my companions abilities.

Of course, it didn't help that for some reason, the Merlin alerted Wolf to that there was an emergency in my quarters when it was only my nightmare occurring. So, Wolf was there when I woke up, and, I am kind of glad he was as I kind of broke down a little. Yeah, me, Miss stoic, standoffish, wingman, help, no desire to be more until this damnable mesh heals within me... it was kind of funny, I punched out my shredded linen as I stuffed it into the replicator, then got some kind words from Wolf at keeping going as I managed to say out that sometimes, yeah, sometimes, I feel like giving up to just make the pain, trauma, anguish, and hurt go away.

It would be nice to no longer have to live in pain from the mesh, to always feel tingles throughout my body, to have my senses dulled always, to have nightmares from the truth and lies fighting each other inside. Sometimes I wish Diostros had succeeded and I was just an unfeeling Mephetian skin bedspread, my pelt his trophy he bought and paid for besides the total humiliation and damage to me by taking everything from me that means so much for my future husband. I... I... may remain unmarried, forever, no Male in my life, if I don't find a very, very understanding one. Hell, I can't even date to find out till I heal from the mesh. And.. and.. after what happened, I probably look very bad, not a pretty site for any future husband.

Okay, now I'm rambling, but, I feel a little better for having gotten this out without the overlays stopping my every word about this. I am so glad they cannot stop how I am writing this. Just, how much longer can I be me with only this one avenue available to me? When will this be cut off also? I hope... I hope... Wolf can help. He is... all I have got right now for a counselor who would understand, if I can ever say anything more than the lies to him. He, and Melody, have been through far worst than I have.

I don't know what Wolf went through, but his scars bear out some sort of probably really nasty torture, and Melody, well, Melody was captured by the Mekhanii and was in one of their growth vats, her childhood, and parents, stolen from her. Both faced much worse than I. So.. I guess, I will hang on a little longer. If they an, I can.

Just, I want to know? Why the change in the nightmare? Am I, can I, get better? Or does this mean.. I soon won't be me? Please, someone, heed the Creator's urging and help me soon, for I fear soon I won't be no more.

Personal Log, Sav signing...

==== Direct Access Termination Mode Time Stamp 0618 Hours ====

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