Emotional Turmoil

Posted on Saturday 14 November 2020 @ 21:43 by Captain Melody Jones & Lieutenant Commander Hayley Godding

Mission: A Whale of a problem (We're going to need a bigger boat)
Location: Ready Room
Timeline: MD6 1930
2530 words - 5.1 OF Standard Post Measure

ON:

Having taken the time to compose herself following her outburst in the shuttlebay, Hayley was beside herself with embarrassment at having lost control like that so openly. No doubt the lower decks would be having a whale of a time at her expense tonight on the gossip having the Chief of Security have an emotional meltdown. She'd been forced to throw cold water over her face and try and sort out her composure before she went calling on the Captain. The last thing she could afford was yet another emotional meltdown in front of the CO - despite her feelings.

Arriving promptly outside the door, she vowed to keep her answers concise and not drift off into prose for fear of losing control of her mouth. She didn't trust her own mind right now, as messed up as she was. All she had to do was get through this meeting then she could go back to her quarters, have that bath she wanted, get some sleep, and tomorrow she would restore her composure. Easy right? A wave of heartbreak swept through her as Fay's form from the Etheria came before her eyes being torn away from her bodily. That was presumably one of Tann's memories of their separation... She slapped her cheeks with both hands and sorted herself out before tapping the chime... Just get through the meeting Hayley... that's all you have to do...

"Come in." Melody called out, having a feeling she knew who it was. She smiled as Hayley entered, trying to break the ice.
"Lieutenant. Welcome back on board. Please have a seat. I take it those down on the planet are in the Etheria now?"

Swallowing hard at the perceived injustice of having to perform such a task, she smiled as much as she could as she took a seat. "Yes Captain, it was a lot easier the second time around since they weren't being kidnapped and we were able to do it in a controlled fashion."

Melody straightened her uniform top and took a deep breath. "I've had a discussion with Fay and I've set some ground rules for while she is with us. Her comm badge will be monitored at all times by security and she is not to enter any secure area of the ship unescorted or use any of the computer terminals, besides the ones in the library but Carson must be there with her. She can also use the recreational facilities like the crew lounges, arboretum and holodeck."

Her expression and tone softened and she locked eyes with Hayley. "So... Sansa..."

Hayley squirmed under the gaze she was being given. So many conflicting thoughts and emotions were going on around inside of her. Coming here was a mistake, she should have asked to differ it until tomorrow. She was exhausted and drained from the experience and she should've rested. Of course, she'd know full well that the conversation would take this turn, both on a professional and personal level Hayley was involved. She tried so hard to get past the feelings of betrayal she felt towards Melody at allowing Sansa to do this entirely foolish and moronic action, yet she was hardly in a position to call her out on it! Question her CO's judgement in her own ready-room? Question her abilities as a parent when she herself wasn't one?

Get a grip, Lieutenant!

"Yes Captain." Hayley said. "Personally, I believe the restrictions are a little on the lax side. I believe at least initially that the Megapteraian should be under direct supervision from a pair of security personnel when out of it's quarters. Whilst I am fully supportive of diplomatic entrees at this stage, need I remind you that they were quite hostile towards us no more than a few hours ago. They are also supposedly more sophisticated than we are, so it is not beyond the realm of possibility that the Megapteraian could do harm to us."

Good... that sounded professional... Hayley said to herself, aware that she had deliberately navigated the conversation away from talking directly about Sansa. If she could just get through this without worrying about Sansa, she could rest and just get her fatigue out of her system. Yes... that's the best idea... she was tired and exhausted from the mission... that's why she got all emotional on the shuttle deck... just get through this....

Melody nodded thoughtfully. "One could argue that they were only being hostile towards us a direct result of the Puppet Masters influence. When that was removed, they appeared to be much more hospitable. At this stage, both sides are taking risks. They have agreed to have some of our people remain on the planet. It's only fair that one of their people comes with us and I want her to feel like a guest, not a prisoner. Fay has agreed to abide by the rules I have set out and from how she described the relationship, Sansa can see and hear everything that Fay is doing. I don't think Sansa would act against us and unless I see clear evidence to the contrary, I don't think Fay will either."

She rose and started to pace, uneasy. "I can apricate that this is difficult for you. Hell... My daughter is carrying an alien conscious inside her head. Even after my experience, I promised myself I would keep her safe but I would never shield her from life. She made this decision and I will respect that."

She came over to Hayley and sat down next to her. "Lieutenant... Hayley... I want you to know as Sansa' mother and as your friend, I'm here. Fay did request that someone help her adjust to life onboard and that someone be you. I would understand if you want to assign someone else to that task but it might help resolve any... issues you have with Sansa and Fay."

Hayley looked at her with piercing eyes. "Ma'am, respectfully, but how could you ask me to do that? I don't approve of Sansa's decision to do this and frankly, I'm somewhat perplexed that you simply agreed to it without much discussion. I would have thought that the issue merited some degree of consideration. Sansa is not a Starfleet officer. She shouldn't have even been down there in the first place. She is neither qualified or trained to handle something like this - this is why we have first contact specialists. We have absolutely no idea what possible effects this might have on Sansa further down the line - yet everyone is carrying on as if this were merely a normal Tuesday!" She threw up her arms in frustration and began pacing up and down in the ready-room, her earlier commitment to remaining calm was getting more and more frayed.

"Am I the only one here who seems to have a problem with this?!" She exclaimed, her pitch and tone having a distinct emotional quaver to it. "I get that we're all about peaceful exploration, making contact with new species, establishing diplomatic ties... but we have thousands of highly trained and experienced people to do it, so why does it have to be Sansa?! I'm not okay with this, Captain! I'm not! I don't want to see that... thing... parading around inside Sansa's body, so I certainly don't want to hold it's hand!"

Her walls were crumbling again, the weak effort to rally her defences had been futile at the sheer strength and power of her own volatile emotional state. Her love for Sansa, her fear of losing her like she'd lost Julia... oh god! Was she going to lose Sansa?! Then a huge surge of love for Fay threatened to overwhelm her. How could she both love and loathe Fay at the same time?! Nothing made sense! She stood motionless, her fists balled at her sides, her head down as she resolutely looked at the carpet so that Melody couldn't see her eyes as she willed herself not to cry despite the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Melody stood and gently put her hand on Hayley's shoulder. "I'm your Commanding officer and I'm your friend. I won't order into a position where your duties are compromised." She brought Hayley round around to face her. "You're exhausted. Get some rest. You've trained your security staff well, they can handle escort duty and I'll see if anyone else from the crew would be willing to help acclimatise Fay to ship living. Also, you might want to consider seeing Counsellor Miller. She's very good and always been able to help me when it comes to... relationships."

Pulling what little mental strength she had left, Hayley reeled back in her feelings as much as she could so she could at least converse. "Aye ma'am, I was planning on getting some rest. I was also considering talking to the Counsellor anyway as well as seeing that grumpy Andorian doctor. I did go through a mind-link with Tann and I believe it's had some unintended consequences..." She put on a brave smile. "I think it's pretty evident to me that he loves Fay as much as I love Sansa... if you'll forgive me saying so in your presence ma'am." Good... trying to crack wise was a good sign... "It's making it difficult for me to figure out my own feelings right now..."

She took a step away for a moment to regroup before turning back to face Melody. "With your permission ma'am, ships requirements permitting, I'd like to take a day or two to myself to recover, in addition to seeing our medical staff. Hopefully, I don't get relieved of duty..." She sighed. "...I also hope you don't think less of me for wanting to distance myself from Sansa/Fay right now..."

"Not at all Lieutenant, your personal life is just that - yours. I think it's very sensible that you want to take some time off to set things in order. By all means, do so. This mission has been tough on all of us. As of now, you're off duty for the next 3 days. Go get some rest." she offered supportively.

"Thank you ma'am." Hayley said, internally admonishing herself for losing control of her emotions. She most certainly needed the rest. "Lieutenant Harris can cover for me and I'm sure Petty Officer Scarlet knows where the weapons locker key is if you need it." She grinned tiredly. "If that'll be all, Captain?"

Melody nodded and returned to her desk.

Taking that as her cue to leave, Hayley stepped out of the ready room, grateful that she hadn't gone off on one to the Captain. Whilst this had been considerably tamer than her outburst in the shuttlebay, it hadn't exactly been her finest hour. A good long bath... yes... she wanted one so badly right now...

Stepping off the turbolift onto the bridge, Ensign Phillps, one of the security officers spotted Lieutenant Godding exiting the ready room and came over to her. "Excuse me, Lieutenant. The computer told me you were on deck 1."

Hayley smiled at the young security officer. He was a relatively recent addition to the ship and had a very youthful appearance, but was very diligent about his duties none the less. "The computer is usually right about these things, Ensign, and I doubt it'll come as a huge shock to you that on this occasion it was correct." She said.

Phillips produced a PADD. "Our 'guest' called me to her quarters and asked that I deliver this to you. She said it was important and that it was from Sansa." he added with a slight look of confusion as he handed the PADD over before returning to his duties.

Frowning, Hayley held the PADD as if it might be about to explode. She wasn't entirely sure she wanted to see it or not. The last thing she wanted to do was have an emotional breakdown in the middle of the bridge, electing instead for the privacy of her quarters. She entered the turbolift for the brief trip down to deck five followed by the brief walk to her quarters. She entered the room and the lights came on, revealing a room that still bore the hallmarks of her last occupancy prior to their mission - when she'd spent the night with Sansa...

There was no sense putting it off and so she leaned back against a bulkhead and looked at the PADD's contents...

My dearest Love

I asked Fay for some time so I could write this to you. Please don’t blame her for what has happened. I volunteered for this. I did not intend to hurt you in any way. I realise I’m impulsive and I do things without thinking of the ramifications… I aged from 12 to 18 in less than an hour and sometimes I think I’m going to miss things if I don’t grab it with both hands then and there. It’s probably my biggest flaw but If I wasn’t so impulsive, you and I would not be together as I don’t think I would have had the confidence to approach someone as strong and beautiful as you.

Also, I wanted to do this because I hoped I could show them our existence through eyes of love. All they had known of humans up to that point had been death and it is my hope I can show them as we are truly are. Sharing Fay’s mind is a wonderful experience and I hope I grow and learn from it. Although she is not showing it, Fay is feeling lonely. Her and Tann were separated when he opposed the council and now, they are separated again. Not only that but now she is separated from her race. Please could you show her some compassion, it would mean so much to me.

We will be together again soon, that is if you still want me.

Know this. I love you and always will.

Sansa x

Feeling the words permeate through her body like arrows she let her arm drop to her side and she slumped down the wall and onto the floor as the last vestiges of strength leaked out of her. Of course she still loved Sansa! How could she not?! So much was going on inside of her right now and she could barely contain it. She wanted to rage against the universe but found herself impotent to the events going on around her. She was enraged that Sansa had chosen to do this without talking to her about it first. She was hurt that she now had to share Sansa with another, that all their memories together were now open consumption for some alien being to learn about humanity. She was scared, truly scared, that she was going to loose Sansa like she'd lost her first true love.

Barely able to move, yet determined to do so, Hayley tapped her comm-badge. "Godding to Miller. Counsellor, if you could find the time, I could really use your help right about now..."

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